If The Shoe Doesn't Fit:

This post won't really have much to say about weight loss or exercise or anything related. Although I will report that I am proud that I opted to snack on an apple and some almonds during The Biggest Loser last night instead of something bad for me.


I always open this blog up in two windows when I post. One on the actual public page so that I can hear the songs while I write. I find inspiration that way.

Right now India Arie is ministering to me about the Creator's Master Plan. It was the first song that played when I opened the page. It's so appropriate. God is speaking to me.

I've been really quiet lately. Just trying to figure out where my life is going. But like India sings, "our creator has a master plan, peace and happiness for every man." I just wish I felt that peace and happiness.

Oh God, you do amuse me. Song number 2: Shackles.

In the corners of mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see I have been down for so long
Feel like the hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it anymore

I've never been religious. I've bopped around from growing up Christian to dabbling in Judaism to thinking none of it really matters to now actually feeling like I'm missing something because I don't practice any particular religion.

But I feel lost. I feel insecure. I feel like there has to be more to life than I'm living right now but I don't know what it is.

I had so many dreams for myself. Some days I look in the mirror and I don't know the girl looking back. I feel sorry for that girl. She looks so sad, lonely, broken, and forgotten. She doesn't smile. She doesn't laugh. She doesn't live for herself. She just exists to make the lives around her better and more meaningful.

Who is she?

Song 3: River Rise

River Rise, carry me back home, I forgot the way
River Rise, carry me back home, I surrender today
I bow down, and I humble myself
I can't do this, Lord I need your help
I surrender, help me to remember
Only you can show me the way.
I surrender, I surrender today.
You are the only way

Song 4: This Too Shall Pass

I mean look at the last four songs that have filled my ears since coming here to write from the soul.

I used to think that people who said God spoke to them were crazy. God doesn't speak to people. I was thinking too literally. God is speaking to me right now. He has been since I opened up this blog:

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can't hear what God says
Then I hear You whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass.
Oh child, things are going to get easier
Oh child, things will get brighter.

It's so amazing to me that when I really need it, when I really feel like I don't have the words, the wisdom, the strength, I can come here, visit my own website, listen to my music and it's as if, when the music starts that is when God starts talking to me through song. Through Lyric.

God's words to me have been Lyrics. If we are blessed to adopt a little girl her name will be Charlotte Lyric and we shall call her Lyric because of the faithfulness I seem to find when I seek out time with God.

This post probably isn't making any sense. You, the reader, probably think I'm depressed. I'm not. I'm being reflective and letting go of the dreams I'm still clutching onto as if they would be stolen by a thief in the night. I have new dreams that I can't even try to claim with hands full of yesterday's wants.

So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep reflecting and letting go of the baggage of dead dreams because I have so many good, lively dreams to cling onto. If all I ever do is speak of my dreams and never put any actions towards them, I'll never get anywhere. I've got to surrender them.

No more empty promises to myself. No more empty promises to God. No more bargaining. No more pleading. No more letting life pass me by. No more pity parties at my house. No more talking without action. No more empty promises to my friends and families. No more worries about what people will think.

I can do anything I want in my life. At the risk of sounding like Stewart Smiley from Saturday Night Live, I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and gosh darn it, people like me! :)

So, here's to finishing my contemplating and to moving on with my life. I hope people are still here reading and supporting me as I continue this journey to find myself. This journey has turned into so much more than just losing weight and finding the inner skinny bitch. I might actually figure out who that girl is in the mirror. I might make her my friend.