Dear Allison

Dear Fat Ass  Allison,

Okay, how many times are we going to do this dance?  "I don't want to be fat anymore."  "I'm so unhappy with myself."  Boo effin' Hoo.  When are you going to quit bitching and start getting angry? Obviously self pity doesn't make you stay committed to and dedicated to your goals.  What about being so pissed off you HAVE to take a walk just to burn off the anger?

You know you eat when you're stressed out, sad, happy, but what about when you're angry? How about instead of going home, taking a shower and going to bed to wallow in self-pity and depression, you change your damn clothes, get your damn shoes on, grab your 32gig iPod touch your parents bought you for Christmas, and TAKE A MOTHER EFFIN' WALK???????  Having a high pain day?  Use your damn cane.  Embarrassed about having to walk in public with a cane at your weight?  Here's a tip:  maybe, just maybe you'll actually succeed in life if you JUST QUIT GIVING A DAMN ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK.  Do you think they give a flying fish about what YOU think about them???  So, quit using energy you could be using to exercise on worrying about someone else.

How long are you going allow yourself to be miserable mentally, physically, and emotionally?  Get a mother effin' grip.  Gaw.  Do you need me to come and shake the shit out of you?  I don't know how I would shake the shit out of you since I AM you but still.  I can send someone. 

You're depressed because you're fat.  You eat when you're depressed.  You gain weight when you eat.  You gain weight you get depressed.  Aren't you TIRED of this damn Cycle of Bullshit????

Now, no one else is going to tell you what I'm going to tell you and I don't care if you get mad at me.  I mean you barely tolerate me to begin with but someone has to say it so here it goes:

"Allison, you keep selling yourself short.  You have so have so many issues on your plate you need to start selling people subscriptions.  Yes, life has been cruel to you.  Yes, your heart still aches for that little boy that should be going on three.  But he isn't here.  He never was supposed to be here.  You can't mourn him forever.  Your fertility is gone but was it ever really there?  You weren't supposed to have babies.  It's just that simple.  You've known this deep down since you were a very young teen.  Your body was made with bad ovaries but with a REALLY LARGE HELPING HEART.  Your womb wasn't made to carry a child but your heart was.  So, you just need to quit allowing yourself to wonder about the possibilities that were never really yours in the first place. 

Yes, you had a difficult childhood with certain relatives.  They aren't in your life anymore.  They have NO POWER over you anymore.  Well, they do because you keep giving them power by allowing yourself to continue to obsess over how much they effed up your life.  They don't think about you anymore so quit thinking about them.  Your aunt and grandmother messed up your history.  You didn't have any control over that.  But if they continue to let them mess up your future then that's ON YOU.  Enough already. 

Now, look at what you do have.  You have the single most beautiful and adorable and sweetest niece in the world.  She needs strong female role models growing up.  She needs to know that she isn't the clothes that she wears (although you know you'll keep her in the latest fashions even if it bankrupts you!).  Let her know that she isn't the hair on her head, the smile on her face, or the size of her clothes but rather who she IS on the inside.  You can't teach her this if you don't live it.  Would you go to a fat person as a personal trainer?  No.  So, you can't expect to help guide her if you're not living what you're trying to teach her.  She'll just see you as someone who can talk the talk but can't walk the walk.  Don't you want pictures of the two of you that you aren't ashamed of?  Lose the effin' weight already.  Get healthy so you can take her places and play with her and run after her and give her better memories than you have of your "aunt" growing up.

You also have a HUGE support group who give you, even cyberly, pats on the back.  They have and continue to support you in losing weight and in adopting of a child.  Continue failure will cause them to quit being so supportive.  Who wants to keep talking to someone until they are blue in the face only to have that person fail over and over again?

You are NOT a failure but you are LAZY.  You have got to stop being such a pain in your own ass and start living.  Each night you go home and get into bed you're giving up.  You're giving yourself permission to curl up and die.  STOP IT.

Now, I've been really hard on you but for the love of God, get your shit together.  If you need a therapist find one.  If you need medication for depression ask for it.  You know there's no shame in help.  Accept it.  You have to do what you need to do for YOU and no one else. 

Find out what is holding you back and tell it to eff off.  And if you can't figure it out on your own then it's time to call in some supports.  Walking back through your life to find out where it went off track, why it went off track and how it went off track will be painful.  It will suck.  But if you don't do it, you'll never get back on track and you'll never know complete and total happiness.

Now, quit being a hypocrite and start being an advocate for yourself. 

Oh, and for the love of all that is holy you have to love yourself.  LOVE YOURSELF.

Sincerely,

Your heart