I'm Still Here

I've not been in a blogging mood for quite some time.  I've been working with a Nutritionist since August 2010 and I've only managed to lose 10.5 pounds and 38.5 inches.  But I haven't really been following the program.  I need to get back on it and stay on it.

There's so much to update.  In the time I've been gone, actually just 5 days ago, this..

little Princess joined my world.  I've never in my life ever felt such emotions.  As a BLM (Baby Loss Mama) there's a special kind of surreal feeling that happens in your heart, mind, body, and soul when a new baby enters the world and you're not the mother.

I had been so worried about how I would feel.  Would I be able to be happy for my brother and the woman I consider my sister even if she is a sister in law?  Would I fall into a deep depression?  I'd already had such a difficult time wondering if I could stand the looks on my parents when finally they could gaze into her face.  Would I be strong enough?  Would I understand how life moves on and doesn't stop just because you need it to?

My sister in law handed over little Miss Amelia Leigh Osborne to me before she had let me brother hold her.  They had talked and wanted me to hold her as soon as possible.  Holding her, I sobbed.  It was a cry that was as ugly as a cry could get (as you can see) but it was also a cry that cleansed my entire being.  Everything that had scared me, worried me, kept me up at night, was nothing more than me doing what I do best:  jumping to conclusions. 

As I  held Little Amelia, my heart swelled and broke all at the same time.  I didn't know at this point I was holding her before even her own father.  When I overheard my mom tell my aunt this on the phone in the waiting room, I had to leave the hospital.  We had been there going on 25 hours and I had been awake over 37 hours at that time and I needed to just breathe.

My brother is my hero.  He'll never know that his six year older sister looks to him for direction.  And that he was able to show his sister such grace, compassion, and love humbled me to my core.  As I held sweet Amelia and sobbed, he gently put his arm around me and told me he loved me.  And in that minute, cradling this miraculous blessing, hearing the strength and compassion in my brother's voice I knew it was okay.  I knew I was okay.  And even as I sit here crying at reliving it, I'll never forget how utterly peaceful and meaningful 1/13/11 was for me.

It's been a long weekend of poor eating, running up and down the interstate two hours at a time to see Miss Amelia and not as much sleep as a human needs, but as I focus on the last five days, I just can't put it in any better terms than God is so good. 

There is a song in the player at the bottom of this page that sums up what this experience has been for me.  It's by Chris Tomlin and titled Amazing Grace:  My Chains are Gone.  I'm going to post the lyrics as I could not, even if I tried, put this most wonderful experience into any better words:

"Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)"

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy rains

Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow

The sun forbear to shine

But God, Who called me here below

Will be forever mine

Will be forever mine

You are forever mine