I'm a Motivational Speaker

My intentions with this blook is that I can help motivate others to get moving and families to be motivated to be supportive of the walking dying in their lives, as well as to be a constant motivation to myself. However, at this point, I don't quite feel like a motivational speaker.

Yesterday was Christmas 2009. I've spent the last several Christmases fat. I've also had pretty significant personal tragedies, changes, and misery since Christmas 2007. I wanted this holiday to be better. And in its own way it was.

Christmas 2007 I had suffered a miscarriage after two and a half years of trying and fertility drugs. I was pregnant from October 11, 2007 until I miscarried on December 12, 2007 the day before my 32 birthday.

On December 22, 2008, I went in for an intended laproscopic hysterectomy; however, I ended up with an Endometrial Ablation (EA). Why didn't I get that laproscpic hysterectomy that I wanted? My doctor had already told me that given my weight and size, that if I had to be cut open for the hysterectomy, I would have a very difficult time healing. I didn't want that. I was too scared. So she tried to do the laproscopic hysterectomy but after she got in there, tilted the surgery bed and my body back the thirty degrees necessary for the procedure, she found that her surgery tools were not long enough.

Not long enough. Read that again: Not. Long. Enough.

She was not able to get through my massive abdomen to my ovaries and uterus. She wasn't even able to perform the tubal ligation that we had discussed. I knew going into the surgery that there were two options: laproscopic hysterectomy or the EA with tubal ligation. The tubal was necessary because, even though the chances of getting pregnant after an EA is very, very low, it could be fatal to not only the baby but to me, the mama.

So as you can see, 2009 was to be my year of not suffering some sort of physical or emotional pain. I was wrong.

I have been suffering physical pain caused by my weight for years, however, the past three months or so have been damn near impossible. And the emotional pain? I just don't think there are words to describe it.

I'm 34 years old. I don't want to be an old mom but in my current physical condition there is only one truth: no one would ever give me a baby. I'm also six years from 40. I do NOT want to be a fat forty-something. I want to be able to walk more than fifty feet without having to stop and rest, catch my breath or sit down because the hip pain is too bad. I want to be a mother at some point, but above all, I want to grow old with my husband.

So, while this Christmas was supposed to be "better" I spent it at my heaviest weight ever. But I did get a Christmas miracle. I broke. I broke down telling my parents and my husband my fears, my pain, my anger, and my desires. My father graciously offered to pay my initiation fee to join a local health plex where I will be followed by doctors, blood work, and trainers.

After the decision was made, I got myself some Doritos in a paper towel because it was going to be the last time that I ate junk like that. I noticed something: they just didn't taste worth it. While I admit I ate the entire portion, I knew in my head: these bastards have been killing me one chip at a time and I've been letting them. I simply can't hope to never see Doritos again because their slogan is "we'll make more" but I can make sure I'm not a slave to them any longer.

They didn't taste good and it was the first time I put something in my mouth and actually THOUGHT about what it was doing to my body. I wasn't thinking about a number on a scale, or a larger size of jeans if I continued eating them. I was thinking that those cheesy bastards are killing me. And as I finished those nacho cheese flavored assholes, I told myself they are nacho friends anymore.

Today for lunch, after signing up for the Health Plex, we picked up McDonald's for lunch. Kind of counter productive right? But I wanted to conduct an experiment. Would I still be as DONE with bad eating when I dug in to my extra value meal as I was last night with the Doritos? I'm proud to say: Yes, I was.

I didn't even eat half of my quarter pounder with only cheese and I still had more than half of my fries left. It just didn't give me the high or the comfort they had provided me in the past. I just sat here thinking: I don't need this. I don't want this. My body can't function on this.

So, I really think that I'm ready this time. Of course I've made multiple commitments to losing weight and eating better; however, this is the first time where the old foods that I would eat have actually combined not tasting well with no desire to feed it to my body any longer.

So, it is my hope that I finally have found my mojo in this lifestyle change.