Soo-eee

Okay, today was my weigh in and measure day.  I knew I had not done as well this past week as I had the previous week.  I ate things I shouldn't have.  I didn't eat when I should have and then I ate when I shouldn't have. 

In fact this morning before going to my weigh in this was my Facebook status:

Allison Osborne Tomasek Soo-eee! Step Right up folks, it's weigh and measure the HOG day! This is a call to auction. You will be bidding on prime, 100% white meat, kosher, pork. This little piggie aint so little. Should the pig have gained any weight there will be a public slaughter so hide yo kids and hide yo wife cause they slaughterin everybody out here. For reals.

Why did it say that?  Because this past week found me eating:

*pizza from a hut that I shant mention
*movie theater popcorn (don't ask what we saw because we didn't go to the movies.  Instead I sent my husband after popcorn and Pepsi when I had a weak/emotional day.)
*Pepsi (I had 2 child size glasses on night in a hut feasting on pizza, the giamundo Pepsi that apparently was free if you bought a jumbo super dooper sized popcorn..but it was only free if you got the popcorn with layered butter..don't look at me, I didn't make the rules ;-) However Jeff did eat most of the popcorn.)
*McDonald's burger and fries and med coke (the Hamburgerler made me do it.)
*one baby sized ice cream cone
*one regular roast beef sandwich
*one cherry limeade
*small order of nachos when my husband ran for the border
*1 six in turkey sub, baked lays (not a bad choice but still carbs)
*small order of chicken fingers with a small side of fries
*3 low fat turkey hot dogs in whole wheat buns (not that bad, I guess)
*a small cookie dough frosty

I think that's it.  Oh, today after getting weighed in I went to McDonald's again. I have decided that perhaps maybe if I have one cheat meal each week (you know as I'm weaning myself off the trans-fat wagon) then I'll be less likely to repeat last week.

Why did I post all of that and come completely clean to you, a vast international audience made up largely of people I don't know?  Because, this is MY journey and apparently I can't be fully trusted to monitor myself.

Do I cheat or eat items I know will make me sick, aren't good for me, and will cause me guilt because I lack motivation?  I don't think so.  I'm very motivated.  If I wasn't I wouldn't have gone back or I would have let the cheating and low weight loss this week stop me from continuing on my journey.

Let's just call it what it is:  I am an addict.  I am addicted to the taste of some foods.  I'm addicted to the smell of some foods.  I am addicted to the texture of some foods.  I'm addicted to carbs. I'm addicted to Pepsi.  And in some sick, twisted manner, I'm addicted to the guilt and sick feeling that always comes after eating poorly. I'm also an emotional eater.

I'm motivated to get this weight off.  I can tell so much of a difference already in my energy level, the reduction of the swelling/puffiness in my feet, the lack of puffiness in my hands, and I have less belly resting on my lap.  I love how this feels.  My clothes are feeling looser.  But I'm still an addict trying to treat her addiction.

I'm going to make mistakes.  I'm going to make bad choices.  I'm going to deviate from my plan.  If I denied that then I would be lying.  I'm not dieting.  I'm changing my entire life.  It's going to take more than two weeks for me to just go cold turkey off the hooch, if you know what I mean.

I'm still in it to win it.  I've got my eye on the prize. I've done better this past two weeks then I have ever done in my life even with the mess ups.  I'm  not lying to myself or my nutritionist or my family or my friends or you all, Bloggies. 

I also realize I'm rationalizing my cheating.  That's what an addict does.  I know, I was an addiction counselor in a previous life.  To me, there will always be a rational, perfectly logical reason to make bad food choices.  I will always be able to persuade the jury in my head that a burger and fries is NOT GUILTY of making me fat and that their friend Pepsi is not a co-conspirator.  But I'm working on this.

Part of fixing this part of my addiction is coming here and being honest.  It may look to someone on the outside that I did terrible.  But even though I didn't stay away from the "bad" stuff like I should have, when I did choose to eat something I knew I shouldn't, I opted for smaller portions.  That's a big step for me.

My commitment to myself, my husband, my family, friends, the child waiting on us, and to God is the same.  I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to take the easy way out. But it is my hope and my prayer that those times become fewer and farther between.

But until then, I'm not giving up.  I'm going to keep plugging along and doing my thing. I have the entire next week off and so I'm going to get myself into an exercise routine.  I'll continue to Eat, Pray and Love.  And to me that means:  Eat what's on my menu and try not to cheat, Pray that if I do cheat it doesn't stick, and Love myself NO MATTER WHAT!

My goal for next week is 5 pounds and 10 inches.

Finally, thanks so much for all the great comments here and Facebook.  Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Trust me, they are greatly appreciated and greatly needed.