I've Made a Different Choice

I'm tired of being absolutely miserable.  I'm tired of having to make excuses for myself because of my weight.  I'm tried of worrying about what people think of me because I'm fat.  I'm tired of reading everyone else's weight loss success stories and feeling jealous and resentful at the same time.

I had the most wonderful and honest of intentions when I started this blog, then I got away from them and people have quit reading (is anyone still out there???).  Somehow or another I rolled off the wagon and haven't been able to get back on it.

My dad put it brilliantly last night at dinner when I asked why he is so strict on his diet and "one piece won't hurt you."  (which is my brilliant philosophy).  He replied, "I'm like an alcoholic.  I can't just have one piece."  I understood that completely.

There's a certain comfort to food even though as you're eating it you know you are killing yourself.  There's still a certain level of "ahhhh" that calms your soul as you're diving into that bag of Cheetos.  Then, after you finish eating, the "ahhhh's" you were feeling are inevitably replaced by regret, feelings of failure, and guilt that take such a control over your life that you go back to eating whatever it was that calmed your soul.  Thus the vicious cycle continues.

Don't get me wrong.  I know what I need to do to lose weight and to become healthy.  I also have a huge desire to do these things; however, I often find myself being ruled by feelings of failure, guilt and resentment thus, I continue to perpetuate the cycle of destruction that I've been on for years.

Well, it's going to have to stop.  How do I do that?  I don't know.   I guess I just have to be a hard ass.  I've got to find ways to express negative feelings and to get out all the frustrations, guilt, and resentment I feel without sabotaging myself in the process.

But the first thing I can do is to remove all the crap from my house, replace it with good, whole foods, and start cooking instead of eating out. 

So, that's what's on my agenda today.  We're going to clean out the fridge, go grocery shopping and buy good food for us.

I've got to quit defining myself by my weight, also.  As long as I see myself as the Queen of the Fat Asses I won't be allowing room for good things and changes to come to me.  So, I've got to lose the weight of self-imposed judgement.

My mother always says, "you've got to start somewhere" and I guess this is my start.  I just ask that you keep following me and giving me support.  I'm fighting more than just the Battle of the Bulge.

So, I guess there's nothing else other than to say, here I go...