1975 - ?

Go back and read my title. See that little mark between the number five and the question mark? It's called a dash. It is what is placed on your headstone when you die. It signifies that a person lived from 1975 until the number after the dash.

The first set of numbers signifies a very happy day. The day of the person's birth. The second set of numbers signifies a sad day. The day of the person's death. Sometimes the headstone will say "loving husband", "beautiful daughter," but generally there's just a name, two sets of numbers and a dash.

Jeff and I went to see a movie brought in by a local church today. Yes, I said a movie brought in by a local church. It was called To Save A Life. I had read a little bit about the movie in our local paper the day before. The church that requested the movie has been doing a youth seminar on The Dash. What are you doing with the Dash of your life? Yes you were born and yes you will die but what about the middle parts? What are you doing? Are you helping your fellow man? Are you loving yourself and your family? Are you living up to your potential?

The movie was about a teen who was not a member of the "in" crowd. He had been best friends with the guy who was able to join the "in" crowd. The two never spoke again. The boy was picked on, ignored, and finally took a gun to school and took his own life.

Of course the movie follows the predictable pattern of the popular guy doing the right thing, making changes, finding God, but it got me thinking. What will my dash say about me?

I would like to say I'm a good person who does right by my fellow man, but am I really? Have I stepped on the back of someone to get ahead? Yes. Have I ever lied, cheated, or stolen to help myself? Yes. Have I ever done anything against my moral code? Yes. Is my moral compass stuck on South some of the time? Yes.

But, conversely, have I worked hard to make people laugh and smile? Yes. Have a given more money then I had to help someone else out? Yes. Have I been loved, given love, and felt love? Yes. But have I done enough? I don't know.

I know that there are dreams that I wanted to have fulfilled that will never come true. I doubt I'll ever go to the moon. I'll probably never say, "Allison Tomasek for the defense, your Honor." I'll never be a famous stand up comedian.

Sometimes I get so focused on what the dash in my life won't say about me that I forget about what the dash will say.

Today I spent the movie thinking, "wow, what kind of classmate was I in school?" I was never the popular kid. I was so torn up about that back in the day. I wanted so badly to be accepted, to be "valuable." But I was an outsider. I was the kid who shot himself in the movie. I was made fun of and talked about. I have been angry about that for a very long time. I've become a victim of my past.

I've been reading the book: The Four Agreements. I read something today that really got me thinking: the author spoke about how we, as humans, have been conditioned to allow ourselves to pay over and over again for our mistakes. He mentions in the animal kingdom, the animals deal with what happened once and then move on, but we humans carry our shame with us for the rest of our lives.

Why is that?

Why do we walk around carrying extra weight as a badge of dishonor because we are unable to let it go, put it down, and walk away from it?

A big part of the journey I am on is to quit carrying around the weight I have padded myself with to cushion my fall, my own personal fat suit where I become unrecognizable to those who have hurt me so they can't attack me again. My fat has been a shield where I have have hoped that all the words and attacks levied against me would bounce off. But, I'm fat, not rubber. Fat is cushy. Fat absorbs things. So, unlike the childhood taunt, I'm not rubber and you're not glue, so whatever you say doesn't bounce right off of me and stick to you. No. It gets lodged into the very blubber bubble I used to surround myself. My personal protection.

I've become very complacent with my diet and exercise. I haven't seen the inside of a gym since the middle of January. I haven't eaten right since before that. It's like this whole new year has been nothing more than the same ol same ol I've always done. I wanted this blog to give me a place to be accountable. If I don't constantly update it, then everyone will know I have failed again. But I'm not failing. I'm just taking a detour. Maybe the fat won't come off until I realize I don't need it anymore.

I'm not strong enough yet, perhaps.

Here's hoping I find the strength to take off this fat suit and throw it away.

One day I'll have a headstone of my own. There will be two sets of numbers. One set will signify the happiness of my birth. The second will signify that those who loved me are missing me. The headstone could say, "loving wife", and perhaps even, "loving mother", but there definitely will be a dash.

I have two hopes for that dash: one that the numbers on either side are far apart and that there has been so much good that I have accomplished that a dash just isn't long enough. But most of all, I want that dash to be thin, skinny, etched into stone by a fine point chisel.

My dash will signify all the things I've done with my life, what I made of it and what I didn't. It will signify that I finally let go of all the stupid things that have kept me hidden under a giant fat suit. It will signify I was a survivor, a good person, and that I gave love and received love.

What will your dash signify?