I have not been around much. I have grown complacent and it always seems that just when I start to get comfortable and back in the saddle again, that ol horse throws me off.
As of Friday, I found out that one of my cats, Mr. Yankee Noodle, is in kidney failure, has a tumor on his kidney and doesn't have long to live. He's lost 75% of his kidney function. The vet said that an ultrasound, which we're having done Monday, will let us know if we have 2 weeks or 2 months with Noodle but he will almost definitely be gone by Spring.
Noodle and I have a very special bond. He sleeps with me, welcomes me home by being by the door when I come through it, He sits in the bathroom as I shower, he snuggles me. He's my cat. He's the only cat out of the seven I have that loves me and only me.
He is also the most beautiful cat I've ever seen. His face has such a sweetness to it that I can not describe.
I've been a ball of tears and depression as I spend the last days, weeks, or months of his life. I cry at the drop of the hat. My husband, God bless his heart, ran to Walmart Friday night and bought out all of their junk food for me. Now, usually he won't do that but he knew of no other way to comfort me. Funny thing was: I had taken my anti-anxiety medication and put myself into a fit less slumber and vaguely remember him feeding me 3 full sized Reese cups. That was all I had eaten that day.
Yesterday I ate a little more but it wasn't good, nutritious food. Well, I did have half a salad at Applebees. but I'm finding that I don't want to eat. I'm finding that my usual coping mechanism of feeding the starving pit in my emotional stomach is not working this time. This time nothing sounds good and when I do eat it, my IBS sends it right back out.
Noodle appears in good spirits. I seem to think he's moving a bit slower or acting a little bit more somber but I think it's my heart playing tricks on me. He's eating and drinking. I can't say he's eating and drinking the normal amount because I never really paid much attention how much he ate before as we have a cat food feeder/water container that all our cats can drink and eat as they choose.
But he's still my side-by-side boy. He's still lays between Jeff and I as we go to bed. He's still loving me petting him and hating me picking him up to hug and love him. I've asked everyone to pray for Noodle. Pray that when the vet does the ultrasound that he finds Noodle is not as bad as he thinks. But the blood test doesn't lie: he's in kidney failure but if we can keep him eating and hydrated then we can keep him comfortable and happy.
The morning I picked him up from the vet's office on Friday, I already had gotten the bad news on the phone. My husband was at work unsure if he could leave some 30 miles away. My mother was home sick and unable to be at the vet. But my best friend was there. I wasn't sure if when I walked in if I was going to have to put him down right then and I knew I couldn't do it alone.
I asked the vet, "is he suffering?" "No" was the answer. Had the answer been yes, Noodle would have gone home to my grandfather, and the two dogs from my childhood. But the vet swore Noodle was not suffering.
When they brought Noodle in, I had been joined by Ginger and by my husband who all made their way to the vet's office to support me. I grabbed Noodle and I held him in my arms and sobbed on him until his little head was soaked with my tears. I begged him to tell mama when he was ready. I told him how much mama has always loved him. I told him how happy he has made me, that he'd never be replaced, and that mama understands he can't stay forever. I told him how I loved him as I held him sobbing and rocking back and forth. I'm positive I must have appeared so pitiful. But that's what he means to me.
So, every now and then I break down and fall apart, heaving with tears unable to breathe. My husband cries, begging me "what can I do?" all trying to "fix it" and make me happy again. But we both know that he can't. There's nothing that can be done. I even offered one of my kidneys as a transplant for Noodle. I was kidding but deep in my heart I was serious.
We don't know what will happen or when it will happen, but I know that through the love of my husband, my dog Lola, and my friends and family, I will be okay. I will be heartbroken. I will be lost. But I will be okay.
As for weight loss and exercise. Well, through out this trial in my life, I'll make them my refuge instead of junk food. I will work through my feelings and grief by way of exercise. I will not allow this to continue killing me.
So, there you have it. Right now, I can't find a comfortable shoe that fits. So, I guess I'm walking across these hot coal barefoot.
As of Friday, I found out that one of my cats, Mr. Yankee Noodle, is in kidney failure, has a tumor on his kidney and doesn't have long to live. He's lost 75% of his kidney function. The vet said that an ultrasound, which we're having done Monday, will let us know if we have 2 weeks or 2 months with Noodle but he will almost definitely be gone by Spring.
Noodle and I have a very special bond. He sleeps with me, welcomes me home by being by the door when I come through it, He sits in the bathroom as I shower, he snuggles me. He's my cat. He's the only cat out of the seven I have that loves me and only me.
He is also the most beautiful cat I've ever seen. His face has such a sweetness to it that I can not describe.
I've been a ball of tears and depression as I spend the last days, weeks, or months of his life. I cry at the drop of the hat. My husband, God bless his heart, ran to Walmart Friday night and bought out all of their junk food for me. Now, usually he won't do that but he knew of no other way to comfort me. Funny thing was: I had taken my anti-anxiety medication and put myself into a fit less slumber and vaguely remember him feeding me 3 full sized Reese cups. That was all I had eaten that day.
Yesterday I ate a little more but it wasn't good, nutritious food. Well, I did have half a salad at Applebees. but I'm finding that I don't want to eat. I'm finding that my usual coping mechanism of feeding the starving pit in my emotional stomach is not working this time. This time nothing sounds good and when I do eat it, my IBS sends it right back out.
Noodle appears in good spirits. I seem to think he's moving a bit slower or acting a little bit more somber but I think it's my heart playing tricks on me. He's eating and drinking. I can't say he's eating and drinking the normal amount because I never really paid much attention how much he ate before as we have a cat food feeder/water container that all our cats can drink and eat as they choose.
But he's still my side-by-side boy. He's still lays between Jeff and I as we go to bed. He's still loving me petting him and hating me picking him up to hug and love him. I've asked everyone to pray for Noodle. Pray that when the vet does the ultrasound that he finds Noodle is not as bad as he thinks. But the blood test doesn't lie: he's in kidney failure but if we can keep him eating and hydrated then we can keep him comfortable and happy.
The morning I picked him up from the vet's office on Friday, I already had gotten the bad news on the phone. My husband was at work unsure if he could leave some 30 miles away. My mother was home sick and unable to be at the vet. But my best friend was there. I wasn't sure if when I walked in if I was going to have to put him down right then and I knew I couldn't do it alone.
I asked the vet, "is he suffering?" "No" was the answer. Had the answer been yes, Noodle would have gone home to my grandfather, and the two dogs from my childhood. But the vet swore Noodle was not suffering.
When they brought Noodle in, I had been joined by Ginger and by my husband who all made their way to the vet's office to support me. I grabbed Noodle and I held him in my arms and sobbed on him until his little head was soaked with my tears. I begged him to tell mama when he was ready. I told him how much mama has always loved him. I told him how happy he has made me, that he'd never be replaced, and that mama understands he can't stay forever. I told him how I loved him as I held him sobbing and rocking back and forth. I'm positive I must have appeared so pitiful. But that's what he means to me.
So, every now and then I break down and fall apart, heaving with tears unable to breathe. My husband cries, begging me "what can I do?" all trying to "fix it" and make me happy again. But we both know that he can't. There's nothing that can be done. I even offered one of my kidneys as a transplant for Noodle. I was kidding but deep in my heart I was serious.
We don't know what will happen or when it will happen, but I know that through the love of my husband, my dog Lola, and my friends and family, I will be okay. I will be heartbroken. I will be lost. But I will be okay.
As for weight loss and exercise. Well, through out this trial in my life, I'll make them my refuge instead of junk food. I will work through my feelings and grief by way of exercise. I will not allow this to continue killing me.
So, there you have it. Right now, I can't find a comfortable shoe that fits. So, I guess I'm walking across these hot coal barefoot.
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I am so sorry. I went through the same thing a year ago last spring with my sweet cat. With her it came on fast and she did quit eating and drinking and I had to make the choice to end her pain. I will be praying for you and Noodle. Wish I could do more.
ReplyDeleteSO sorry to hear of your Noodle's health. I know just how you feel. Both my cat and dog are my babies and when both have been sick and hospitalized at the vet for 2-3 days I'm just a basket case. I can't imagine either of them gone. I pray for Noodle and for you.
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