So Tired....

Okay. I met with the dietitian last Friday. She gave me some great ideas: if you don't like veggies, blend them up until liquefied and combine it with your regular pasta sauce. Supposedly you'll never know they are there. We'll see.

She also suggested I work out first thing in the morning. I set my alarm for 5am. I so thought my 5am mornings were past me. My husband and I got into bed last night and he said, "I'm so not getting up early tomorrow. I'm too tired." So, being the loving wife that I am, I reset the alarm for 7am.

Tomorrow Jeff and I will be meeting with a lawyer and his social worker who handles adoptions. We want to find out what the fees will be, what the home study costs will be, what will be expected of us, etc.

Now, calm down, peeps. We aren't planning on bringing a baby home any time soon, however, we do need to get enough information so we can be working on raising money and saving money to pay for everything.

The first thing I'm in the market for is one of those convertible cribs. You know, the kind that goes from crib to toddler bed to full size bed. That way, we can use the full size bed until we need the crib. And we WILL need the crib.

I see my gynecologist in April and I'm going to ask her to complete my medical paperwork for adoption. I want it to come from her because she understands what I've gone through to have children, how I cried in her office wanting to get pregnant, how I cried in her office when I was scheduling the D&C (that came too late to have) from my miscarriage, and how I cried in her office when I made the decision to have the surgery that ended whatever slim chance I had to have a biological baby. She has comforted me and cried with me. I want her to be a part of the happy part of our family expansion.

I get so giddy with excitement when I think of what will be for us. I'm starting to come out of my infertile funk.

But even though there are days when the grief threatens to take the very air I need to survive, they are fewer and far between. I really feel that I was given this blessing for a reason. It has taken a lot of years and tears and angry shouts to God and anyone else who will listen to get myself to the point where I see my infertility as a blessing but it is. Because my husband and I just can't create a child any ole time we want to, means we have to really work to make our family a reality. This avenue has brought us closer. We have to really talk about our family and future. We can't just dream. Does that make sense?

But that means we also have to have people all up in our business that "normal" couples don't have to have. If you are able to get pregnant the good ole fashioned way, rest assured no one will come to your home four different times to make sure you have screens in all of your windows, that your furnace is working and up-to-date, that you have a fire extinguisher, that you have both smoke and carbon monoxide detectors on all levels. You won't have to choose four of your closets friends and family to write letters of recommendation. You won't have to undergo a group and individual interviews with the one person whose opinion matters as to whether or not you and your husband are on the same page. Without this one single person's blessing, we won't be approved for adoption.

Those of you who have or will get pregnant the way Mother Nature intended, won't have to write out autobiographies, family trees, promise to never spank your child, give them a full detailed description of how you intend to discipline your child, take CPR/First Aid, attend meetings to learn how to raise a child and anything and everything else the social worker deems necessary.

You won't have to profess any religious affiliation (which means Jeff and I need to find somewhere to go so we can have say we have a religious affiliation. hee hee). But what if your beliefs/affiliations aren't acceptable to a birth month?

You won't have make a scrapbook depicting your life to satisfy some birth mother so she picks you. This is what scares me the most.

You won't have to persuade foreign dignitaries or judges to grant you the adoption. Then, when the child is 18 and they want to find their real mother and father...OY.

BUT...if at the end of it all, we become parents, that's all that matters right? And if the child wants to find his/her biological mother when they are 18, then maybe bio mom/dad can pay for college??? That was totally a joke!

But unless I start losing more weight and getting healthier this is all just talk into the wind. So, if you'll excuse me, I have an alarm clock to set...