I've been away for while. This was started as a means to keep myself accountable. Chances are, if I haven't posted here in over two days, then I'm probably off the wagon. Ya'll might want to come find me.
Since last time I posted, I've been avoiding the gym. Even though I KNOW how much better I feel when I go, I haven't gone. It's like my body, mind, and soul are being beat down by deep pain and hurt and I've been mentally exhausted. Too exhausted to even care.
I'm the Queen of Denial. I push things away to the point where I begin to think they don't exist then BOOM! they're back. Sounds like fun, huh?
I don't "deal" with things because it's too painful. I don't like pain. So, if I act like they don't exist then I don't have to feel anything. Great idea, if it worked. It doesn't.
Last night I was all snuggled in bed watching Ugly Betty. I heart that show. At the end, Hilda, Betty, their father, and Hilda's boyfriend were all gathered around an ultrasound machine. There was the beautiful outline of a small baby on the screen. The doctor's line: "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat."
Holy Crap, Batman. I do well 95% of the time, but deja vu moments like that seem to threaten all I've worked for to process the events of my life and move on. Until you've been there, really been there, you have no idea how powerful those moments are. Just think, if you the reader wonder if I'll ever quit thinking about it, how the hell do you think I feel?
I don't know what I reacted to most: remembering living through that senario in real life or wishing that I had had someone there with me that day. Was I crying because the words broke my heart or because she had what I didn't have that day: company? But I went alone that day because deep down I knew. I didn't want anyone else to feel the gross sense of pain I did while lying half naked on the ultrasound table.
It's been two years now and I want to be able to not be haunted by it. I want to make sure that when I hear those words on television that I don't fall apart. I know I will one day. I just pray that day comes really soon.
But I have to realize that I'm still alive so that means I must be doing something right. I haven't allowed this to kill me. Actually, just because I'm alive doesn't mean I haven't allowed this to kill me: I'm killing myself every day. Everytime I make a bad food choice or skip the gym to sit on the couch. It's days when I realize how much my heart is aching that I refuse to do anything good for myself. And that shit must stop.
The fundamental reason for this journey is I don't want to die before I'm able to collect Social Security. But running a very close second is I want to be a mother. Nothing will change that.
But unless I get back on the ball and get my head back into the game, I will never realize that dream.
So, what do I do today? I turn to my trusty MP3s and CDs from India Arie. Her words heal my soul in a way I just can't explain.
Good mourning to myself.
Good mourning to the pain in the center of my chest.
Good mourning independence or it is loneliness?
The next morning you were gone.
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When Daddy died, I wouldn't allow myself to give in to the hurt, the fear, the grieving. Finally, after 6 months of feeling like I couldn't swallow anymore b/c I had swallowed so much grief, couldn't go anywhere b/c I was having panic attacks, etc. I realized I couldn't move on until I said good-bye. One day while looking out the window and seeing his old pick-up truck parked in front of our house, I said, "Daddy, I will always miss you. I will never forget you. I will be reminded of you when I least expect it. I love you and it's hard for me to let you go. But I know I can't go on like this anymore, missing you and missing out on my own life. I know YOU wouldn't want that for me. So I need to let you go. I need to tell you good-bye and that I love you. I will be fine. Mom will be fine. You don't have to worry about any of us. You can go. I will see you again but until then, I have to keep on living. So good-bye, Daddy. I love you." Then I could "see" him on the "Hill", smiling at me and telling me that he is fine, too. I saw him turn and walk into the woods where he loved to be and where he found peace. I saw him go and I saw him disappear and I knew it was okay. Okay for me to go on and okay that he was gone. Until I did that, I was locked in grief and pain, feeling lost without my dad and so friggin' sad. After that moment, I could breathe again, and I turned away from the window and walked back into the living. I miss him still, I have thought of him much of the time, I have told stories of him and can laugh about them, I still wish he could tell me how to do things and I swear I think he does! I keep him close by doing things he would have done or say things he would have said and I see him in you kids so much. We remember him on his birthday with strawberry shortcake and again on Christmas with his sourdough pancakes.... I ask him to pet Lassie and Maggie for me..not as often as I used to but I know he is there caring for them.
ReplyDeleteOn that day he and I said good-bye, I heard him tell me, "Hell, don't cry for me. I'm fine. Go live your life and enjoy it and quiting worrying about me." So I am doing that as best I know how. Not for him..he wouldn't have wanted that, but for myself. He would hate that I wasted so much time grieving because of him. So I no longer do that....put so much pressure on him because he died. I now live because he lived his life and has moved on. We all have to move on. I honor his life by not allowing his death to keep me trapped in limbo. He would want me to live and laugh and remember good times with him. That is what I hope you do when it's my turn to leave. Death is a part of living here on this earth but it doesn' mean the end of life. Real life begins when we are free.
I've been reading through your blog little by little over the last week or two since I stumbled upon it. I have commented before but wanted you to know I understand your feelings. I had weight loss surgery in Feb 2003. Lost 120 lbs, YEAH!... because it just "fell off" I didn't set up an exercise plan so I'm back up about 40 pounds BOO! If you are the Queen of Denial, then I must be your princess. :) I need to get a plan started and stick to it. I seem to have leveled off where my level of activity (or lack thereof) is at currently. Eating the smaller amounts is still close to the same as since surgery, but I need to get MOVING now! It's hard to do sitting at a desk all day, then sitting at a laptop evenings and weekends doing full time school online. But I have to figure out a way. Your blog, and HONESTY is refreshing and encouraging.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, following and adding my button. I thought I had yours before but I do now. My surgery was complete Gastric Bypass. I'll be the first to say it's not for everyone (my brother is preparing for the banding as we speak) but it was the right choice for ME!... and I'd do it all again. I need to post some 'before' pics so you can see the difference. And thanks, I know I could use the encouragement. Happy to 'meet' you. :)
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